Lier, Lier

Being on notice about my ADHD, I try to accommodate the possibility of error. My responses are rarely unequivocal. Words like “maybe”, “I think”, “perhaps”, and “I don’t know” run through my conversations like back-up music, and I stopped hearing them come out of my mouth a long time ago.

I just learned that people might perceive these ambiguities as lying.

Sometimes, I am lying. Sometimes, I am trying to remember. Sometimes, I am not the person who is responsible for the information. And, sometimes I remember but I am afraid to make a conclusive statement, having failed this test before.

Fortunately, I can work on this.

1. There is no use in beating myself up for missing information in the past. That would be like getting upset because I couldn’t master the typewriter (true story, I kept pressing buttons to fast and got a big gloopy glob of black ink on the page).

2. Instead of resorting to ambiguity, I can just state the facts. I can say with 100% confidence “Here is what I wrote down in the meeting.”

3. If I feel the urge to lie in order to cover up any information I missed, I will say instead what my plan is to remedy my uncertainty (and put my promise in writing, preferably in a calendar item with a deadline).

4. I can put blame where blame is due. I can stop blaming my ADHD or myself for other people’s inattention. Especially out loud and, with practice, in my own mind.

When I am confident in the accuracy of my information, I will speak confidently. In other words, I will be confident about the accuracy of the information I share and the listener will be confident that they can trust the information.

Negative thinking

Affirmation: By being aware of my mindset and my emotions, I can direct by beliefs and attitudes toward hope, happiness, and accomplishment.

Negative thinking is probably my biggest struggle. For one, it is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. My thoughts suggest I will be free from criticism or disappointment, or even accountability, if I just accept in the “now” what is not possible, then I will be repaid at some point in the “not now.” The thoughts parade through my head like a knight in armor, ready to slay any painful experience that threatens me.

Good thing I now know this is straight bullsh*t.

Because I strive to act in ways that reflect my values, my feet will follow what I believe about myself. If the messages in my head scream shame and disappointment, I scream right back – “Bold and confidant.” Sure, this thing I pursue could lead to some unpleasant end, but that will not alter the character of my actions.

Negative thoughts come at me in the form of “you can’t”, “you won’t”, “because you can’t, you won’t”, and, my most common, “you can’t, never could, and won’t ever.” Would I keep going on a dates with someone who said this on repeat?? Of course not. So why have I allowed these worthless thoughts to live rent free in my brain? The answer is that I have not found a way to feel I am, have always been, and will always be able, whatever that “able” may look like (if you are confused by the notion that I would try to accommodate for this vast expanse of possibility, please read How This ADHD Thing Works)

This is the point where I start putting my ADHD to work:

What I will feel in another time or place is for the “not now.”

In the “now” – I am bold and I am confident. In this moment, it is enough to know I am, I can, and I will.